Broken Puzzle

I sit here now at the time I used to talk to him and can't stop remembering.  I fight the tears that still ache to flow from my eyes that have already cried oceans.  Why can't I stop the memories?  Why can't I stop the hurt from missing him?

I know that as a new blogger its at the end of the long story and yet the ache for me doesn't change.  I've been widowed and yet never have I been physically with a man.  I've been married but never once did I hold his hand or look into his eyes.

I'm crazy and I'm broken and don't think anything can really fix me, nothing to put me back together.  I'm a puppet on a string and the puppeteer helps me through my day yet when she goes off for her own life I fall into a jumble of limbs needing to be untied again the next morning.

Nothing makes sense anymore. A song we never discussed comes on and I break sobs rack my soul.  The moon comes out in its normal trek around the earth and yet I die another night because he is gone from my life.

In life I hide it pretty well.  I put on my fake smiles and laugh while emptiness growls within.  I pretend joy when others are joyful even though I hurt so very much.  I can't talk about the ache with anyone because no one supported my love as it was.  Now that he has gone they feel better yet I feel dead.  Do they really care?  I don't even know.

Trying to keep busy and make the puppeteer happy I work six days out of seven and yet when I get home I crash and simply want to sleep.  I don't want time to think.  I want to fill my mind, heart and soul with everything I can that was not ours so that I don't hurt anymore or feel so very empty.

Very little makes sense to me and I know even as I write very little will make sense to others but the words simply flow as the heart aches.  The words are there but the mind can't make them make sense enough for others to understand. 

Does it even matter?  Does anyone even care?  Will anyone ever even read these words my heart leaks through my fingertips?   I simply don't know if this broken puzzle of my heart and life are anything to anyone.