I always thought spending time with new friends and acquaintances was a good way to start the new year. New friends from this year, a few drinks (and no I didn't go overboard, instead I drank over a liter of water/crystal light while there) and some snacks of cheeseballs and mozarella sticks. Watching a "Rocking New Years Eve with Ryan Seacrest" on the TV and talking. All this sounds like a great recipe for a happy new year ... so why do I feel so blah? Why do I wish I had stayed home instead?
Oh yeah it is because I don't fit... I don't fit with the people the night began with. I'm not talking about physically fit. I'm talking about emotionally. I'm a good girl some would say others would simply call me a goodie two shoes and you know they can call me that. I'm proud of who I am and how I've gotten through life independently.
I have never done drugs and don't plan to. Yet they talked of doing lines of coke and pot as though it was nothing. Have I wondered about the supposed calming effects of pot, sure I have especially after a rough day at school. Would I do it illegally? Never. That goodie two-shoes is at it again within me.
I can't down bottle after bottle after bottle of anything and don't ever hope I can. I had myself a shot of Fireball and 3 Apple Vegas Bomb shots between 9 pm and 1 am and that was more than enough for me but they drank and drank and drank and continued drinking. I don't know how they can do it, those few had me feeling it and yet I still felt in control so I knew when to stop.
I have never been physically intimate with someone because I've never had some I could physically give my heart to. All night long I head tales of blow jobs, Amsterdam whores, fetishes, glory holes, orgies, and so much more. Now I'm not a prude, I read about that stuff but I also believe that type of conversation shouldn't be in mixed company especially if you barely know them, hell or even just met them. I know in my head I can be a bit of a freak and I know a hell of a lot more than many would give me credit for, I've read it, dreamed it and written it but even sitting around their conversation last night left me feeling dirty. They were uncouth with their speech, the guys were disrespectful in their speech about women and the women were disrespectful in their speech about men and I sat there saying nothing.
I did have two saving graces that showed about 11 by the names of Tim & Kristin. I know they didn't want to come and now I understand why. I talked with one or the other through the night before they finally appeared on the doorstep, through FB private messaging and a few on page posts. I didn't think they were going to show and wouldn't blame them if they hadn't, yet I am so grateful they did. I was able to back away from the conversations that made me uncomfortable and could talk to Kristin or Tim about whatever and it was clean and light.
The night continued with my ride and all the other early comers drinking and finishing bottle after bottle; liquor, beer and at least 3 bottles of champagne. Luckily now though I wasn't the only one not set on getting drunk so it wasn't so bad. 1 am hits and I am past ready to go home, even though it was raining I had my jacket and was tempted to walk especially after the way my driver was drinking. kristin offered a ride with her and Tim. I was so glad and thank them completely.
At the moment I really just want to cry and forget about it but of course in my rush to leave with my saving graces I left my jacket and the home owner isn't answering.
I pray my year doesn't continue as it started.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Dating Life... or lack there-of
Yep, I'm still fat. Not as fat as I once was but not as modelesque (is that even a word, who knows and who cares) as I would like to be. I'm still single and still have my masochistic thoughts within my lonely heart.
I get it, really, I do. Men don't want to think long term with someone like me. I'm over that really.
I don't give up though, I'm still looking for love and it seems to be I'm looking in all the wrong places. I'll be honest I have a type I like to look at and look for but I'm not going to be rude to a man just because he doesn't look like some romance novel cover model. If the man looks well groomed, has a smile (who wants a grumpy gus all the time), and can have a decent conversation I'm willing to get to know him.
My problem is meeting them, I am a bit introverted. I don't go out on the town and don't have a ton of friends who like to party... or do I really want to. I like live music but don't want to go alone, I enjoy movies but it is hard to get to know someone when you are constantly being "shushed". I like the simple things in life and don't want to put on a show to attract someone.
I go online and have an honest profile. I occasionally get some views and even some likes. The issue starts there. When it comes to the responses I get they either can't have a decent conversation, don't seem to have a brain in their head or just want to get laid. I am not here to be a sex toy for anyone and honestly if a man can't win my heart why in the hell should I give him my body?
I'm old fashioned and that is always a major problem for me. I love cuddling, being held and even kissing but have never found someone I felt I could/should do more with. I've had it offered many times, hell even this morning I had a good looking guy (or so his numerous pictures showed) tell me he was attracted to me and then that it would only take a single date for him to get into my heart and head enough for me to invite him into my bed.
I'm used to it. I explain to each guy who gives me that kind of invitation what I'm looking for and for a few messages they seem to get it then I get another message a short time later telling me that "you make me horny". It makes me want to give up altogether. I shall remain as I am and simply never find love outside of the romance books I read. Now don't get me wrong I know life doesn't go like a story from a romance book but can't I find a decent guy who doesn't want to get laid before he really gets to know me.
I've very tempted to change my dating site profiles to add in.
Seeking good guy, real gentleman, who can go without sex until you win my heart and mind over. A man who takes care of himself and will support me in my taking care of myself. A man who has a submissive side on occasion but will also be a take control kinda guy when needed. I want a man who is truly a man and can take care of himself, not someone who has to be taken care of. If you don't have a decent job, don't message me. If you don't have a car/truck/motorcycle don't message me. If you don't live outside of your parents home (except for extreme extenuating circumstances) don't message me.
What I am is a single lady who is tired of trying to please everyone around her. I want someone who can please me. I am a full time teacher (which means more than a 9-5 job only on the weekdays), an avid reader and I dream of being a published author. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and my family means the world to me. I am a beta reader for my uncle and a published author. I am a friend to people here and even more around the world through the wonders of the internet.
I am selfish because I want it all. I want chemistry. I want love. I want a best friend for life. I want it all. If you can't offer me a chance for everything why should I give you even a little bit? If you can't win my heart and mind over there is no way in hell you are willingly getting my body.
Wonder how that would be received on any of those dating sites out there. Is any man out there ready for some real honesty or does he need his ego stroked as much as he wants other parts of himself stroked. Guess I will never know.
I get it, really, I do. Men don't want to think long term with someone like me. I'm over that really.
I don't give up though, I'm still looking for love and it seems to be I'm looking in all the wrong places. I'll be honest I have a type I like to look at and look for but I'm not going to be rude to a man just because he doesn't look like some romance novel cover model. If the man looks well groomed, has a smile (who wants a grumpy gus all the time), and can have a decent conversation I'm willing to get to know him.
My problem is meeting them, I am a bit introverted. I don't go out on the town and don't have a ton of friends who like to party... or do I really want to. I like live music but don't want to go alone, I enjoy movies but it is hard to get to know someone when you are constantly being "shushed". I like the simple things in life and don't want to put on a show to attract someone.
I go online and have an honest profile. I occasionally get some views and even some likes. The issue starts there. When it comes to the responses I get they either can't have a decent conversation, don't seem to have a brain in their head or just want to get laid. I am not here to be a sex toy for anyone and honestly if a man can't win my heart why in the hell should I give him my body?
I'm old fashioned and that is always a major problem for me. I love cuddling, being held and even kissing but have never found someone I felt I could/should do more with. I've had it offered many times, hell even this morning I had a good looking guy (or so his numerous pictures showed) tell me he was attracted to me and then that it would only take a single date for him to get into my heart and head enough for me to invite him into my bed.
I'm used to it. I explain to each guy who gives me that kind of invitation what I'm looking for and for a few messages they seem to get it then I get another message a short time later telling me that "you make me horny". It makes me want to give up altogether. I shall remain as I am and simply never find love outside of the romance books I read. Now don't get me wrong I know life doesn't go like a story from a romance book but can't I find a decent guy who doesn't want to get laid before he really gets to know me.
I've very tempted to change my dating site profiles to add in.
Seeking good guy, real gentleman, who can go without sex until you win my heart and mind over. A man who takes care of himself and will support me in my taking care of myself. A man who has a submissive side on occasion but will also be a take control kinda guy when needed. I want a man who is truly a man and can take care of himself, not someone who has to be taken care of. If you don't have a decent job, don't message me. If you don't have a car/truck/motorcycle don't message me. If you don't live outside of your parents home (except for extreme extenuating circumstances) don't message me.
What I am is a single lady who is tired of trying to please everyone around her. I want someone who can please me. I am a full time teacher (which means more than a 9-5 job only on the weekdays), an avid reader and I dream of being a published author. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and my family means the world to me. I am a beta reader for my uncle and a published author. I am a friend to people here and even more around the world through the wonders of the internet.
I am selfish because I want it all. I want chemistry. I want love. I want a best friend for life. I want it all. If you can't offer me a chance for everything why should I give you even a little bit? If you can't win my heart and mind over there is no way in hell you are willingly getting my body.
Wonder how that would be received on any of those dating sites out there. Is any man out there ready for some real honesty or does he need his ego stroked as much as he wants other parts of himself stroked. Guess I will never know.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Masochistic thinking
Another day and another breath taken, another book read and another one started just an average day in my boring summer life. Not complaining because I have a bad life, just wishing I had more to my life, someone special to share it with. I guess reading romance novels today has put me in a lonely state of mind.
It doesn't help that I have been a bit masochistic, not physically but emotionally. I liked this guy and attempted to become his friend, wishing for more but not pushing it. We messaged on occasion and everything seemed fine for a while. Then he listened to others, the gossip they shared but never once asked me if any of it was true. Instead he blew me off, saying that he is "selective" and that I was obsessive and blocked me.
Since then he has unblocked me after finding out what one of his "friends" said to me. Words of apology were sent to me through someone but he has not said anything to me himself. Sometimes I wonder if the words were his or from the person who simply added his name, I'll likely never know.
Yet back to the masochistic part of me I have checked his page. There are times the post are nothing much to me but then there is something he says that makes me sigh. Another man who writes of the type of love I crave. Writings of his sometimes echo my own from the years. Yet because I'm not aesthetically pleasing to the eye I'm not even given a chance.
Why do I do this to myself? Why want what I can't have? Sigh, will I ever know the love I crave? I have never liked others hurting me and yet I go back and get hurt again knowing it will come but doing it anyway. I don't know what I want in this world, other than that I want a love to top all others.
It doesn't help that I have been a bit masochistic, not physically but emotionally. I liked this guy and attempted to become his friend, wishing for more but not pushing it. We messaged on occasion and everything seemed fine for a while. Then he listened to others, the gossip they shared but never once asked me if any of it was true. Instead he blew me off, saying that he is "selective" and that I was obsessive and blocked me.
Since then he has unblocked me after finding out what one of his "friends" said to me. Words of apology were sent to me through someone but he has not said anything to me himself. Sometimes I wonder if the words were his or from the person who simply added his name, I'll likely never know.
Yet back to the masochistic part of me I have checked his page. There are times the post are nothing much to me but then there is something he says that makes me sigh. Another man who writes of the type of love I crave. Writings of his sometimes echo my own from the years. Yet because I'm not aesthetically pleasing to the eye I'm not even given a chance.
Why do I do this to myself? Why want what I can't have? Sigh, will I ever know the love I crave? I have never liked others hurting me and yet I go back and get hurt again knowing it will come but doing it anyway. I don't know what I want in this world, other than that I want a love to top all others.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Just Another Soapbox
The other day someone on Facebook posted this video A Broken Education System . The poster simply stated that it was disgusting. Although I did not read blame on the teachers but instead on the system overall and Common Core I have to say that there is still at least half of the recipe missing.
So many times through my life as a teacher I hear that teachers are the problem, schools are an issue and no one is there for the kids. Yet I know that there are ingredients missing.
People don't look at the students themselves. The students who are more interested in video games, texting, instagram, and each other. The students who will gladly tell a teacher to "F... off" instead of accepting their work. I fight each of these on a regular basis on the job and yet I'm the one blamed when the student makes a failing grade. According to data those aren't the reasons students aren't doing well.
People never look at the parents and home life. The students come to school still hungry and yet wearing the newest Jordan's, Coach or Beats. Parents are called and respond with "Oh I'm so sorry, I'll take care of that," yet the student comes back with something else brand new and a promise for more new things if they can go 2 weeks without getting into trouble again. Yes let's award the students for negative behavior and not help in supporting their learning environment. Then we have the students who have a topic introduced to them and quit after only one try because "its too hard." No matter how many times a teacher explains it the student refuses to listen once they deem that it is "impossible" for them to do. Does anyone ever look at those students who give up, or do they just automatically blame the teacher and the system?
Without the support of the parents and the students willingness to learn there is always a struggle within the classroom. Yes, no classroom is perfect, but many times students are continuously placed in classes with like students because the teacher is "a strong teacher and good disciplinarian." Placing so many of these kids together in a room is the recipe for disaster and lower academic time than wanted. When parents don't support the education at home they support the students not doing homework. Teachers provide homework and/or study topics nightly and yet so many students don't complete it.
So people I simply ask before you go blaming a specific thing for the fallen education status within our country how about taking a look at all the factors. Sometimes a recipe goes bad because of one item but in most cases it is because the mix has something missing. In education the missing ingredients are direction, perseverance and support.
I'm not setting blame here just had something to say about the negativity surrounding education these days.
So many times through my life as a teacher I hear that teachers are the problem, schools are an issue and no one is there for the kids. Yet I know that there are ingredients missing.
People don't look at the students themselves. The students who are more interested in video games, texting, instagram, and each other. The students who will gladly tell a teacher to "F... off" instead of accepting their work. I fight each of these on a regular basis on the job and yet I'm the one blamed when the student makes a failing grade. According to data those aren't the reasons students aren't doing well.
People never look at the parents and home life. The students come to school still hungry and yet wearing the newest Jordan's, Coach or Beats. Parents are called and respond with "Oh I'm so sorry, I'll take care of that," yet the student comes back with something else brand new and a promise for more new things if they can go 2 weeks without getting into trouble again. Yes let's award the students for negative behavior and not help in supporting their learning environment. Then we have the students who have a topic introduced to them and quit after only one try because "its too hard." No matter how many times a teacher explains it the student refuses to listen once they deem that it is "impossible" for them to do. Does anyone ever look at those students who give up, or do they just automatically blame the teacher and the system?
Without the support of the parents and the students willingness to learn there is always a struggle within the classroom. Yes, no classroom is perfect, but many times students are continuously placed in classes with like students because the teacher is "a strong teacher and good disciplinarian." Placing so many of these kids together in a room is the recipe for disaster and lower academic time than wanted. When parents don't support the education at home they support the students not doing homework. Teachers provide homework and/or study topics nightly and yet so many students don't complete it.
So people I simply ask before you go blaming a specific thing for the fallen education status within our country how about taking a look at all the factors. Sometimes a recipe goes bad because of one item but in most cases it is because the mix has something missing. In education the missing ingredients are direction, perseverance and support.
I'm not setting blame here just had something to say about the negativity surrounding education these days.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
When????
When will someone follow the words they give to others? I read a poem the other day where a poet said to look at the world through someone else's eyes. It isn't for your own reflection but instead to see the world from their point of view. The poet went on to say many things that make perfect sense and are how I try to live my life. I'll admit I'm not perfect and sometimes I may mess up at it but I do my best and pray for guidance to do better. Now I wonder does this poet live in the way he advises others to live or are they just pretty words on paper to him?
When will a person's size not be something to judge for the quality of the person? My body is obese, I admit that but it isn't who I really am. I am a teacher, who loves my students with all my heart even when they drive me absolutely insane. I am an aunt who dotes on my niece and nephews, doing everything I can to help make their lives better and giving them all the love I can. I am a daughter who is the keeper of my mother's worries, the one who giggles at some of my dad's funny looks as mom says something again. I am a friend who will attempt to do all I can to be there for all of my friends. I am a human with a heart that breaks easily and a mind that asks so many questions. Last but never least, I am a follower of the one true Christ, He is my Savior, the One who I put all of my trust in. I wonder if they can see all of that in the fat they make fun of and find disgusting and if they are blind to the rest.
When will it be acceptable again to not spread your legs for any Tom, Dick, or Harry just to find romance? I have a heart just like all the men and women around me but do you not see it because I happen to have larger breasts? Can't you see beyond those or above them to find out who I really am? Do I need to spread my legs for you to play within their openness just to find out more about you? Why do I need to give you something free when you are giving me nothing worth keeping? Are you even worth my time if you can't take the time to wine and dine me before wanting to jump in the bed?
When will I find the man who makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world? Is he even out there? I'll admit there are some amazingly large shoes to fill because I've loved deeply and loved with all of myself but the one I loved so is no longer of this world. I don't want to live all of my love life in dreams and memories but alas tis all I have to go on for now. When shall I be kissed as the kisses in my dreams, have a man whisper the sweetest things in my ear or write me beautiful lines of love and devotion?
When will I be happy with me and not worry about others? I am in the process of losing weight and changing my outer me hoping that will help. Yet I also know I need to accept me for me and most of the time I do just fine about it and I know I'm ok with who I am but there are those moments. Those moments when someone calls me names, or tells me "call me when you're ready for a sexual relationship" that make me wonder if I need to change my inner me. Am I too old fashioned for this world today? Will my emotions and beliefs keep me forever from being in a great relationship?
All I know is I don't know any of the answers and yet I know I can trust in the Lord to help me through each day.
When will a person's size not be something to judge for the quality of the person? My body is obese, I admit that but it isn't who I really am. I am a teacher, who loves my students with all my heart even when they drive me absolutely insane. I am an aunt who dotes on my niece and nephews, doing everything I can to help make their lives better and giving them all the love I can. I am a daughter who is the keeper of my mother's worries, the one who giggles at some of my dad's funny looks as mom says something again. I am a friend who will attempt to do all I can to be there for all of my friends. I am a human with a heart that breaks easily and a mind that asks so many questions. Last but never least, I am a follower of the one true Christ, He is my Savior, the One who I put all of my trust in. I wonder if they can see all of that in the fat they make fun of and find disgusting and if they are blind to the rest.
When will it be acceptable again to not spread your legs for any Tom, Dick, or Harry just to find romance? I have a heart just like all the men and women around me but do you not see it because I happen to have larger breasts? Can't you see beyond those or above them to find out who I really am? Do I need to spread my legs for you to play within their openness just to find out more about you? Why do I need to give you something free when you are giving me nothing worth keeping? Are you even worth my time if you can't take the time to wine and dine me before wanting to jump in the bed?
When will I find the man who makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the world? Is he even out there? I'll admit there are some amazingly large shoes to fill because I've loved deeply and loved with all of myself but the one I loved so is no longer of this world. I don't want to live all of my love life in dreams and memories but alas tis all I have to go on for now. When shall I be kissed as the kisses in my dreams, have a man whisper the sweetest things in my ear or write me beautiful lines of love and devotion?
When will I be happy with me and not worry about others? I am in the process of losing weight and changing my outer me hoping that will help. Yet I also know I need to accept me for me and most of the time I do just fine about it and I know I'm ok with who I am but there are those moments. Those moments when someone calls me names, or tells me "call me when you're ready for a sexual relationship" that make me wonder if I need to change my inner me. Am I too old fashioned for this world today? Will my emotions and beliefs keep me forever from being in a great relationship?
All I know is I don't know any of the answers and yet I know I can trust in the Lord to help me through each day.
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