Just thughts in my head.

     I sit here this week and my mind wanders to the future of the unknown and to the past filled with love.  I try to be strong and yet there are those moments that something reminds me, and I simply miss Him.  Just to mention a bad boy with the heart of a teddybear and a tear comes to my eye.  I bite it back because the truth is better than living a lie, yet it doesn't mean I don't miss the love shared. 
     With Him I had such courage and control even though He was my Master.  With His love and support I lost over 80 pounds and felt like I could do anything.  When I lost Him I lost myself and everything fell apart for me.
     Now I have this wonderful friendship with the most amazing lady who has supported me through so many things, even before I knew of her support.  Now I seek myself and this blob has formed around me and I can't find what I had before.  Now I sit again as I had before Him and dream the impossible dream; me in a wonderfully happy marriage with an amazing man (who is HOT to boot).  Now I miss life as it passes me by while I hide within my own home and stories.
      Since Him there is only one thing I am proud of myself for and that is biting the bullet and actually putting some of my short stories up for sale on Kindle through Amazon.  Yet I've still not told anyone in my family that I've done so.  I'm not sure how they would respond, with the genre I've published in. 
     I wish I had the courage to live life.  I wish I had the courage to tell this amazing poet and HOT, HOT MAN that I would love to help him change his single status.  I wish I could become the beautiful woman he deserves beside him.
Alas, I'm not.  I'm me an obese, scared coward who only watches life pass by or writes about it but doesn't live.