Masochistic thinking

Another day and another breath taken, another book read and another one started just an average day in my boring summer life.  Not complaining because I have a bad life, just wishing I had more to my life, someone special to share it with.  I guess reading romance novels today has put me in a lonely state of mind.

It doesn't help that I have been a bit masochistic, not physically but emotionally.  I liked this guy and attempted to become his friend, wishing for more but not pushing it. We messaged on occasion and everything seemed fine for a while.  Then he listened to others, the gossip they shared but never once asked me if any of it was true.  Instead he blew me off, saying that he is "selective" and that I was obsessive and blocked me.

Since then he has unblocked me after finding out what one of his "friends" said to me.  Words of apology were sent to me through someone but he has not said anything to me himself.  Sometimes I wonder if the words were his or from the person who simply added his name, I'll likely never know.

Yet back to the masochistic part of me I have checked his page.  There are times the post are nothing much to me but then there is something he says that makes me sigh.  Another man who writes of the type of love I crave.  Writings of his sometimes echo my own from the years.  Yet because I'm not aesthetically pleasing  to the eye I'm not even given a chance. 

Why do I do this to myself?  Why want what I can't have? Sigh, will I ever know the love I crave?  I have never liked others hurting me and yet I go back and get hurt again knowing it will come but doing it anyway.  I don't know what I want in this world, other than that I want a love to top all others.